Katylin >^..^<

PIF is a boy.

2009-11-07T00:49:45Z

We will name him Enoch Asher Von Graves.
I am quite sure...

PIF's first concert

2009-11-04T21:19:55Z

And most likely our last.
Skinny Puppy Plays tonight in Seattle at the ShowBox.
It is a far far cry from the first time that I saw them at the Palladium in Los Angeles!
That was most likely the impactual show that I have seen.
It was not the band alone, it was the slide show the fierce graphics, the body stilts, the urination on the crowd... but the part that blew me out of the water was the line up in the ladies restroom.
The Palladium had a ladies counter and mirror that stretched 40 feet down one bathroom wall. The amount of heavy black tattoo work across so many woman's décolleté. I was shocked. Before tribal there were swirls and swirls of SP and heavy thick lines plunging from the throat into their bustiers.
I stood there more than a whole song, looking at woman over 10 years my age, dressed in the highlife of the early 1990 gothic punk. Covered in spikes, leather, fitted corsets, huge black Siouxie hair, and outstanding makeup.

I NOR the concert will not be this luxurious to night.
But I am sure that it fun!!

I can't wait to see if PIF reacts to the music.

dearest v

2009-11-02T21:04:57Z

i have been so sick
and the kind of sick when i really want to be at home
i want to sleep 12 hours
and then lay on the couch
it is the oddest thing
you of all people know i do not understand chill
relax
hanging
"being a slug"
you had the most down time in my whole life

now...
here i am sitting on the couch
as i did yesterday and the day before

and my heart can't but wonder
why you are not here

why
i miss you so deeply it still makes my eyes well inside
and that funny pressure at the bridge of my nose and the top of my cheek bones
i miss having a girlfriend
i miss the tenderness and the giggling and the looks that made us know one another
i have not had a girlfriend since you died
there is not anyone that can bring out in me what you did
i sure wish that there was because i miss so much of our lives
i miss laughing instead of crying at the end of a movie
i miss making pink particulars and other booze concoctions
i miss snorting because that is what we did
i miss your moon profile and you sitting in the sink to apply your makeup

v'

i am 36 and i don't have a female BFF
i have an amazing husband that doesn't wrinkle his nose at chick flicks, bra shopping or picking out shoes with me.

i feel selfish

i want an adult best friend

goodbye october

2009-11-01T23:01:25Z

i am sick.
i felt better and now i feel worse
i have done nothing but sleep away the last weekend of october
no corn mazes no pumpkin patches no leave jumping
what a drag!
i am a sick head.
justin has been working all day without me.
every time i stand or walk, i want to fall over
i am tired and irritable
that is the worst
the irritable
and sad inside part

goodbye october 09 i never knew you

dratz!

I am feeling better and I heard PIF

2009-10-29T19:46:45Z

I had my tooth fixed yesterday. I had wished that I had brought or requested Oxygen since the bonding agents smelled so bad, and I have done everything else I could think of to not expose myself to any fumes of toxins. But my front tooth is new and nice.
Yeah tooth.
I had a midwife appointment. It was good. It was very busy in her office and her was interrupted so many times that I did not feel that anything was achieved.
But once again, I got to hear the baby heart's beat!!

That was wonderful.
It makes my heart happy even when my chest is unhappy!

flu me and a wait to see if i can be tested.

2009-10-26T02:14:55Z

i officially have the ick.

My immune system has been taxed hard. But I am loosing the fight, fever, body ache, sick, cough, head pounding, kidneys hurt, face hurts, brain hurts, sick. Really. WHY WHY WHY!!! Please pray for me, and this little baby, I just can NOT be sick with flu, since the real flu has not started only NIHI is the ONLY flu on the market right now. Prayer please!!

I will see tomorrow about trying to get a culture, it is a HARD thing to do...
There are long lines and I am not sure how fast the fast test is...
I have a full full schedule.

I am so bummed. a lot annoyed and scared.

okay pretty scared.

stupid.

more: half hour later
I thought Mr. J was doing dishes, but he was fixing me chicken soup. EVERYTHING makes me burmp (then grumble)! I just said, "mmm soup makes my throat feel nice, wow, even the burmps good, cuz they ar...e warm"! He laughed and since I was readign FB, told me I should post this. mmmm warm

Pif banking

2009-10-24T01:44:31Z

we just opened PIF's bank account.
it made me grin ear to ear i am so excited
it made me feel like when i was a little girl getting my savings and loan card.
we deposited $110 and we had a special signing bonus of $125 (free money).
i will deposit $25 a week into PIF's account from my pay check in an auto draft, so that i do not even really notice it is gone!

so so so so excited.

morning off and i have the blashs...

2009-10-23T19:57:44Z

I AM NOT SURE WHAT I AM TO EAT
my doctor appointment was moved a week out'
bummer
i had quaker instant oatmeal high fiber with cinnamon... and i have heartburn agian

coffee did not come out at all

one of those moments and mornings
pulled on mr.j sweat shirt, the don't want to eat anything after dinner pink pajama pants, and ski wigwam socks.
then...
slid on mr.j's fishing boots and walked over to the neighbors to grab Wumpscut from their back yard. Seems that he has decided to take out his adolescence runaway issues on me. I have no idea how he is escaping. Mr.J raised the lowest part of the fence under the tree at least four more feet, so it is 14 feet tall.
Yet Wump is out every morning this week.
I am thinking of an electric fence.
I can not handle the Knott's Berry Farm- Thunder Mountain-looking wood across my English garden Gate. I thought of having a huge spider web made of wrought iron, but it would cost more than the electric fence. WHICH IS $200
So far I am close to $200 already to have the two cats outside. This is so far out of my budget.

i have no idea how much sleep i am suppose to be needing.
i am tired all the time
i ONLY have a second wind near midnight'
it has been hard to go to bed
i have not slept well in weeks
my dreams have been viscous
people i love dying
sex with people i do not care for, while crying for Mr.J
being beaten
running, lots of running
i am not sure what is happening to my sleep

i am awake just after three hours of sleep, wide awake, but exhausted, and so i realize i must pee
and then between 0400-0730 i can't sleep only to be too tired to wake to make breakfast, and then i want to sleep until noon.

this has been most of the last month

i decided that i would volunteer two days a week to make myself get up and try and reset my Arcadian rhythm.

i had my last interview with my employer for my old job back at the grocery store in Ballard. they are going to be done with the tear down and rebuild by the middle of December. It was a harder interview than i wanted to have based on my restricted schedule.
i may have to step back down and take a position under mine to get in... i guess that is what is to happen if that is what is to happen.

pay is the same, basically, i will make $5 less a day...
that is not a lot to be the boss, LET ME TELL YOU!

it might be better for the end of the pregnancy but i worry about the after part, where i need to make sure that my hours are compatible to Mr.J's to cover child care.
that part might be much harder than i had imagined.

God will open the right door at the right time, just as he moved me to the store i am at now, and not the store i wanted to be moved too with my crew. as it ended up, that store closed this month, and that would have meant that i would have been in limbo for several months... limbo and i are not friends.
so i can see now that i was spared, even though i did not get what i thought to be best at the time. i was wrong, He was full of grace.

i have some work to do to find out all the time periods of the time off and my rights for labor, and family leave. i have a no idea who to ask, as the office seems to know nothing!

i think that i will see if it is federal.

i have to clean in my house today
i walked in poop and did not realize it, yesterday before my interview and walked in my house, all the rooms before I realized that it was on my shoe! darn Wump. I was outside, getting him back into the yard, just like today...

my room had a closet explode.

it is date night tonight and i have not picked where we are going too, nor have i booked our two weekender coming up.
bad kate

nothing seems to sound fun
i really hate that... i need some inspiration

trash truck is here, it must be late near one.

PIF and 100g of sugar lab

2009-10-15T19:55:20Z

I did passed the fasting part of the lab by grace. If I was ONE number higher than I would have failed.
I passed the first hour sugar,
I FAILED the second hour sugar
and by the third my body was too tired to try and thus it passed by the boarder.

When you are over weight, like me, and your sugar goes way up, because you would not eat, or did not eat, or slept for more than 8 hours and then woke not hungry, your body tried to break down ones own fat into a usable sugar. My body can break it down, but can not figure out how to use it. So my body lets the sugar leak out into my blood stream which does all the same things that a diabetic would have happen. The sugar clogs the working body and destroys the organs, limbs and eyes.

lame.
Supposedly I can control more of this by the way that I eat. Eat more often. Eat more protein with carbs and fats. ie, apple chicken cheese and a tiny amount often.

I am also being called my sleeping instead of walking.
I use to walk so much more than I want to now.
If I have an hour, I no longer want to walk the lake but sleep.
Dream sleep. I am exhausted, but it is a cycle. I am on the bottom side of the cycle, sleep more need more sleep.

Yeah for grace. I will have to take all these tests again, and the Midwife said at least we did this now, while I can choose to fix more of it.

She suggested that if I had waited I would have failed and then nothing could have been done that late in the pregnancy.

I should put on a bra and walk to get my library books.
I do wish my monster headache would leave.

I want a home birth. I think that I will walk with this being my motto... i was thinking of another word, but I can't seem to find it in my head space or on the on line dictionary. Ma-tra?
*anyone know if this is a read word?

PIF and 100g of sugar lab

2009-10-14T19:44:40Z

Done for the morning!

There are many good things in these days.
Fall leaves.
The lab let me sleep between the tests, and I actually slept. (in a hospital gurney, with a funny little blanket, but God let me sleep.)
I only had to drink one bottle of liquid otter pops. (not the three i was told I had too drink) it had 100g of sugar and on a fasting stomach, one was really bad, so when I asked for the second an hour later, she told me that was the old test, and now there was no need to do that! Yeah!

Got my car fixed down the street from the Lab, (Beacon Automotive is less than a 1/4 mile, and the owner fit me in, and replaced my clutch while I had my lab. So no time was lost)
He even gave me a ride back to the hospital so I was not wet for the the labs, (as it has rained all day).

I found a tiny vibrating bat stuffed toy, and a tiny duck toy that quacks. Totally over priced in the gift shop. But they were so funny.

And if the worst is that I have to be medicated, maybe at least I will feel better?
I have felt so tried for 20+ weeks, so maybe this is a blessing.
I just so deeply want to deliver at home. If I have D2, that is not an option.
God knows all this, He knows all the factors, and when I think of Mary in a barn, and Christ in a smelly moldy rotten food troff. I know God can protect me from anything.
Thank you for your prayers, my spirit fells kind and mellow. I know that has to be the people that are praying for us.

I ate two dollar menu double stacks, wow the fat is in my throat. I was famished. Over 16 hours with no food, and this dumb bottle of sugar. I had eaten dinner last night at 6:30 p.m.
I had a tiny snack, the end of my burrito at 11:00 p.m. But I mean a tiny snack, three bites... so, yeah 600 calories of smack, but 46 grams of protein. Mmmmm protein.
Yogurt and salad for the rest of the day, thus I can get my bowls moving again.

I want a small nap before work.
Maybe a pepcid and a nap.

PIF The first signs of a bump!

2009-10-12T23:37:17Z

At last, I noticed my belly is changing. Cheers!
19 weeks three days, and today, I finally have a lower pelvic bump starting. It is funny to be because I have gained weight above my stomach and in my bra, but not in my belly, and Sunday morning I was telling Mr.J that I am ready to have my bump, where is it? When will it arrive, how come I have to keep waiting?

I really wanted to snap a photo yesterday but next weekend will have to do...
It is not one I can take of myself.

In other PIF news.
I failed by glucose test. I figured that I would. I have felt so tired and I thought that sugar might really be the reason. I am going to have to take a three hour lab, where they draw hourly sometime this week in the morning hours.

The Quad Screen testing is back, and although there can be a 20%-40% false negative, there are not really fault positives. The downs test came back as negative. So, for now, it makes my heart think that I can relax a tad. If it is positive, I just wanted the longest time to absorb that information, and the greatest amount of time to prepare for PIF. DS programs can have long waiting lists, and I figured I should be the most proactive.

My ultrasound will be scheduled for November 6th, at some ungodly time in the morning. I am finally ready. PIF will be 23 weeks and this is the best time (according to the ultrasound radiologist at Fullerton Hospital in CA, a friend of my mom who does ONLY fetal ultrasounds for the hospital) is 23 weeks of life.
This is because the best heart development can be seen then.
It is also because most of the baby has developed and thus a ultrasound radiologist can identify any extra abnormalities.

So, yeah bump, yeah Quad Screen, at least I know on the glucose, and at last I will ultrasound.

Waiting for you to kick PIF...

a newer form of morning google(love)chatter

2009-10-09T18:57:44Z

Katylin says: "Burrito says, 'hello butt'; 'mouth let me in'... 'deal!"
Justinkitty: ok lol
Katylin: yeah... i know, wish my butt was in on the joke.

PIF We heard your heartbeat today at 1800

2009-10-06T05:02:04Z

"I love you, and I am excited that you are here"- Dad
"I am so pleased to know that your a strong baby, your heartbeat was 143-157 and the sound made mine beat stronger"-Mom

We had five long days of soul searching as we wondered if you were still alive and healthy inside of me.
Five days of waiting to hear from you.
I have to admit that these were hard days for us.
Your dad, says that he never had a doubt, but I feared.

We are so pleased and relieved.

Dad took me out to India Food, (my favorite and so not his to celebrate).

Wow. I am just beside myself, I can still feel my chest swell.
Good night baby, you are 18 weeks and four days old today.

pif Midwife Shopping!

2009-10-05T19:56:27Z

Midwife shopping stinks like sour breast milk! I realize that I do not need more than ONE, it is totally a different experience than shoe shopping where I can be mostly happy about two pairs and buy them both.
So NO midwife wanted to see me before I was pregnant and now that I am I have spent more than 18 weeks seeking out the one, and most are now full up for March and are not excepting new patients. DUMB Really. I feel like I am in line for the downtown child care at Pikes, with the four year waiting list, which basically says that they day you GET pregnant you better enroll.

I called about Cindy Brown a while back, and now they are full.
Seattle Home Midwifery saw me two weeks ago, I said I felt alright with the meet and greet, and leaving the office THAT MOMENT I called for an appointment. (Office is separate from Billing and that is separate from the midwife's clinic space...) yeah.
I was sent the paperwork, which was SCARY. I filled it out, and called again for my appointment a week later, (Friday) to have the office manager call me back TODAY and left a message saying that they were actually full for MARCH. Um... why not check that out before I made my meet and greet?
Because even though the Seattle Midwives have you sign away all their responsibility and liability they are not BOLD enough to say, "Katylin, you are... and that is too much for us.... and therefore we think that you would find a better fit else where."
This was the same midwife that asked if I would rather a CRM, and I said,"yes" but that I was not able to get one that delivered at home, and being that I was 16 weeks already, that I was not just wanting to ensure that I had a midwife. WHY ASK ME, if you know that TWO weeks later you will not take me???
I am really tired of overly polite PC scripted folks.
Boy, I had no idea when I started this Face Book line about how I was, and then it said that the first paragraph was too many words, that all the rest of this was bottled inside me- right near the surface!
I have ONE, count them ONE midwife left on the list.
She is far, far- f a r out there in distance.
But she said that she would take me for a meet and greet on Wednesday at noon, and that she did not think that she was full of clients in March; she remembered it to be light, but that she was setting up for a birth and that this was a fast received call.
HUM.
Well so far, this is the ONLY midwife that professed to being a Christian, that is nice. She came recommended though the grapevine at Mars Hill, that is nice.
She is a mom of 8 or 11 children. That is wild.
She is not afraid of hospitals, as she said that two of her children required hospital deliveries. That is also nice.
She is not a CRM. She is a LM but she has 21 years under her belt and now over 2,000 births, that is also nice!

So maybe she is the one that I was to find?
I sure hope so.
(I really wish you would kick me in the ribs PIF)

mmmawwwh ha ha EBAY scoop

2009-10-05T02:12:56Z

have been admiring some Martha Steward decorative punches for a while now. They often cost about $12 and tax...
I do not like paying for such things.
Mostly because I may not use them as much as I think that I will.
So, I admire them from a far or on line for years.
Last night I found three I wanted on Ebay all about $5 to start with $6.00 for shipping for a combo win.
So I evilly set a timer in my head, headed home and bid with 7 second left on each punch.
I opened all the tabs, and was ready.
I won
I won
I won

whippy yeah!
One was $7.00 Martha Stewart's SKULL AND BONES craft paper
One was $7.50 Martha Stewart's BAT craft paper punch
One was $4.25 Martha Stewart's TOMBSTONE craft paper punch

Total: $24.70
So, 3X12= 36+ 3.6 tax= $39.60 - $24.70= $11.90

I saved more than 10 bucks, and did not have to drive 20 miles!

There are several others that I am admiring, like the drippy gooey punch and the~~broken fence punch~~... and the corner bat...
but three are fun!!

update: won the fence for $8, which comes to $11.25 with shipping!

PIF miswife over view letter (tired of rewriting this letter to different MW)

2009-10-04T05:51:46Z

Hello
I heard of you though Mars Hill Ballard, and I am interested in finding out more about your practice.
I have unfortunately been interviewing midwives for almost 20 weeks. I am starting to wonder if this is a path that I can walk, as I started down this path to ensure the safest, most low-key, non intrusive delivery I could plan.
I have found that these desires are harder to ensure than I imagined.

I have been very apprehensive about signing into some of the written contacts that I have seen with local Midwives. Most completely excuse their practice and care, and ask that I wave all my rights. Literally: "I agree to assume the risk associated with childbirth, particularly those unique out of hospital births".
This comes as such a big surprise because these are not CNMs, these are at home and birthing center midwives, they do NOT have hospital privileges so all births are out of hospital. So this means that every patient waves their rights; this is not something that I can understand when most have student midwives assisting them. Is there not a standard of liability?
This really is hard for me to understand, so before I ask more questions this is foremost in my inquires.
Then I read that you have done 1,000 births, and I would like to know how you like to handle certain rare occurrences as in Cord Prolapse, MAS, Fetal Bradycardia and PPH. I do not have any reason to believe these are issues I shall have, but to my best understanding these are not issues that one can simply avoid.

I am 36. I am already at 18 weeks. My due date is March 7, 2010. This is our first pregnancy. We were blessed enough to have an IVF baby implant. We used natural drop insemination, and implanted two (3 day old) embryos. Based solely on the size of my uterus, (by feel) I do not believe both implanted.
We were "fired" by the IVF doctors for not consenting to the 6, 10, and 14 week ultrasounds. My husband and I had previously decided that we only wanted to expose the fetus to one (1) 20 week ultrasound.
I am coming up on that ultrasound in less than two week, and still do not have a provider. I have found that even though I have amazing insurance this is not a procedure that I can request for myself; thus I need a provider asap.
I am very worried about my lack of prenatal care by a professional, and want to be under someone's charge as soon as possible.
I meanwhile have been a static laboratory for this baby.
Discontinued all topical medications.
I have been eating the Brewer's Pregnancy Diet.
Eliminated 99% of sugar, and empty calories.
Have not had any food that may carry listeria, so deli anything.
On average drink 80+ ounces of water a day.
Less than 350 milligrams of caffeine daily.
Walking about three miles daily.
Double Daily Pregnancy Multivitamin as recommended by the IVF clinic.
Husband is the solo carer giver for our cats.
Do not smoke, have not drank for months before IVF began.
Trying to sleep eight hours nightly.
Reducing stress, reading and watching labor literature.

If this overview is in alignment with your practice, I would like to consider being your patient.
If you have a recommendation, I am also open to suggestions.
Thank you for your time.
Sincerely,
Kate home number. best time to call is before noon.

PIF Calendar

2009-10-03T02:12:21Z

As far as calculating a due date after IVF, the most accurate method is to add 266 days (or 38 weeks) to the day of the egg retrieval. The eggs are fertilized that day, which is the same as "day 14" - the day of ovulation and fertilization in a "normal" 28 day menstrual cycle. Adding the 14 days to the 266 days gives 280 days, or 40 weeks. The due date is traditionally set at 40 weeks from the first day of the last menstrual period in a normal pregnancy (in a woman with 28 day cycles).

IVF Due Date Calculator

Date of Fertilization (2w1d):	6/11/2009	Ultrasound Anatomy Scan (19 to 20 weeks):	10/7/2009 to 10/14/2009
Fetal heart beat should be seen (7w0d):	7/15/2009	Fetus usually starts moving (18-20 weeks):	9/30/2009 to 10/15/2009
Nuchal Translucency (11w+2 to 13w+6):	8/14/2009 to 9/3/2009	Fetus becomes viable (24w0d):	11/11/2009
Triple Screen (15 to 18 weeks):	9/9/2009 to 10/1/2009	Glucose Screen (24-28 weeks):	11/11/2009 to 12/10/2009
Amniocentesis (17 to 18 weeks):	9/23/2009 to 10/1/2009	Term delivery (37-42 weeks):	2/10/2010 to 3/18/2010

Pregnancy Calendar
	2009								2010
	May	Jun	Jul	Aug	Sep	Oct	Nov	Dec	Jan	Feb	Mar
1		0w+5d	5w+0d	9w+3d	13w+6d	18w+1d	22w+4d	26w+6d	31w+2d	35w+5d	39w+5d	1
2		0w+6d	5w+1d	9w+4d	14w+0d	18w+2d	22w+5d	27w+0d	31w+3d	35w+6d	39w+6d	2
3		1w+0d	5w+2d	9w+5d	14w+1d	18w+3d	22w+6d	27w+1d	31w+4d	36w+0d	40w+0d	3
4		1w+1d	5w+3d	9w+6d	14w+2d	18w+4d	23w+0d	27w+2d	31w+5d	36w+1d	40w+1d	4
5		1w+2d	5w+4d	10w+0d	14w+3d	18w+5d	23w+1d	27w+3d	31w+6d	36w+2d	40w+2d	5
6		1w+3d	5w+5d	10w+1d	14w+4d	18w+6d	23w+2d	27w+4d	32w+0d	36w+3d	40w+3d	6
7		1w+4d	5w+6d	10w+2d	14w+5d	19w+0d	23w+3d	27w+5d	32w+1d	36w+4d	40w+4d	7
8		1w+5d	6w+0d	10w+3d	14w+6d	19w+1d	23w+4d	27w+6d	32w+2d	36w+5d	40w+5d	8
9		1w+6d	6w+1d	10w+4d	15w+0d	19w+2d	23w+5d	28w+0d	32w+3d	36w+6d	40w+6d	9
10		2w+0d	6w+2d	10w+5d	15w+1d	19w+3d	23w+6d	28w+1d	32w+4d	37w+0d	41w+0d	10
11		2w+1d	6w+3d	10w+6d	15w+2d	19w+4d	24w+0d	28w+2d	32w+5d	37w+1d	41w+1d	11
12		2w+2d	6w+4d	11w+0d	15w+3d	19w+5d	24w+1d	28w+3d	32w+6d	37w+2d	41w+2d	12
13		2w+3d	6w+5d	11w+1d	15w+4d	19w+6d	24w+2d	28w+4d	33w+0d	37w+3d	41w+3d	13
14		2w+4d	6w+6d	11w+2d	15w+5d	20w+0d	24w+3d	28w+5d	33w+1d	37w+4d	41w+4d	14
15		2w+5d	7w+0d	11w+3d	15w+6d	20w+1d	24w+4d	28w+6d	33w+2d	37w+5d	41w+5d	15
16		2w+6d	7w+1d	11w+4d	16w+0d	20w+2d	24w+5d	29w+0d	33w+3d	37w+6d	41w+6d	16
17		3w+0d	7w+2d	11w+5d	16w+1d	20w+3d	24w+6d	29w+1d	33w+4d	38w+0d	42w+0d	17
18		3w+1d	7w+3d	11w+6d	16w+2d	20w+4d	25w+0d	29w+2d	33w+5d	38w+1d	42w+1d	18
19		3w+2d	7w+4d	12w+0d	16w+3d	20w+5d	25w+1d	29w+3d	33w+6d	38w+2d		19
20		3w+3d	7w+5d	12w+1d	16w+4d	20w+6d	25w+2d	29w+4d	34w+0d	38w+3d		20
21		3w+4d	7w+6d	12w+2d	16w+5d	21w+0d	25w+3d	29w+5d	34w+1d	38w+4d		21
22		3w+5d	8w+0d	12w+3d	16w+6d	21w+1d	25w+4d	29w+6d	34w+2d	38w+5d		22
23		3w+6d	8w+1d	12w+4d	17w+0d	21w+2d	25w+5d	30w+0d	34w+3d	38w+6d		23
24		4w+0d	8w+2d	12w+5d	17w+1d	21w+3d	25w+6d	30w+1d	34w+4d	39w+0d		24
25		4w+1d	8w+3d	12w+6d	17w+2d	21w+4d	26w+0d	30w+2d	34w+5d	39w+1d		25
26		4w+2d	8w+4d	13w+0d	17w+3d	21w+5d	26w+1d	30w+3d	34w+6d	39w+2d		26
27		4w+3d	8w+5d	13w+1d	17w+4d	21w+6d	26w+2d	30w+4d	35w+0d	39w+3d		27
28	0w+1d	4w+4d	8w+6d	13w+2d	17w+5d	22w+0d	26w+3d	30w+5d	35w+1d	39w+4d		28
29	0w+2d	4w+5d	9w+0d	13w+3d	17w+6d	22w+1d	26w+4d	30w+6d	35w+2d			29
30	0w+3d	4w+6d	9w+1d	13w+4d	18w+0d	22w+2d	26w+5d	31w+0d	35w+3d			30
31	0w+4d		9w+2d	13w+5d		22w+3d		31w+1d	35w+4d

PIF

2009-10-03T00:35:00Z

I called the UW Medical Midwives and the Urgent Infant Care Center and spoke to a nurse midwife there that said that her information for me had to be limited because I was not a patient there but that the information about the baby not being able to be heard on a fetal scope, nor the placenta was not an alarming concept for her practice. She said that these can be hard to hear at 20 weeks.

I called two other midwives and left my information. Almost everyone in Seattle is closed on Friday-Sunday.

The Nurse Midwife at my mother's hospital had a different opinion, but she is from the UK, and maybe she is better versed with these tools. She was concerned but again she was not able to give me any medical advice. (laws) This coincides with Jennifer's views. This is why I have even entertained this sad idea.

My mom, OB, is freaked out, and that is not helping. But she is my mom, and that is therefore her job. She loves me, I know that, and she wants what is best for me. She has worked in Western Medicine for 20 years, this must be hard for her.

I am calm.
I have had big time to think of all the bad possibilities and their outcomes.
This is an unusual event in life.

I know some things for certain.

There is nothing that I could do medically to change any out come.
There is nothing that I could have done to change this.
I do have an abdominal-wall hernia.
This can not and did not effect this baby. They are unrelated.

There is nothing that an ultra sound can tell me that can change the outcome, that waiting a few days and a doppler can't tell me with far less impact IF the results are that PIF was just too small or that I have an Anterior Placenta. (Thanks la_biscuit ) I totally spaced that question for Jen (midwife friend).

Justin is fine with my waiting.
DIC takes several weeks, 4 to be realistic, so there is time on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday.

Ironically, I can not schedule an ultra sound at the UW Medical Center, with the same ease that I could schedule an MRI or cat scan. I will have to had a doctor request it. My insurance does not require that but the medical center does. I want to have the ONLY ultra sound that we were planning done there because that center is packed and it is ALL they do. So I know that it will be done correctly, fast, and proficiently. The least amount of time with the most about of information.

It has been an hard long week. I am have never really questioned PIF, and never wondered what the outcome would be since the day that I heard I had the grand HCG levels.

I have doubted my twin desire. My size, my weight gain of 10 pound but then dropping 5 without any exercise.
Jennifer all said that my uterus growth is slow for twins. "Tuesday's news"

But that is also something that I feel God is totally sovereign about. We needed to want twins to be able to implant two embryos. Neither Mr.J or myself could have implanted two and not full heartedly wanted two. So each bridge has been a blessing.

Two babies is still a feat in my heart. Mostly because Mr.J and I do not have any family in this state, and there is no reprieve if we have two, and because I know in my tiny black heart that I have not worked hard enough on the Salon to be a full time stay at home mom, working from home. So I will still have to work three days, 24 hours, with time on both sides and a lunch at work so more like 30 hours away from home a week.
That is a hard thought for Mr.J who is willing to do finger feeding of pumped milk, or spoon milk feeding so that the babies (baby) do not choose a bottle over a breast.
Wild deep long thoughts.

I am thankful for the opportunity to publicly journal. I am not trying to be a drama queen. I choose not to post when I was loaded with fear and hesitation. I also do not want to ever steer my journal so that it all sounds great when I need to dump.
Life is hard for my brain this week.
I have wondered since Tuesday if I was carrying a still baby.
The lack of noise from the placenta knowing that the baby's heart is what pumps the noise in the placenta has been hard. Wednesday was harder as Jen desperately tried to locate a doppler and we simply ran out of time before I had to go to my gender hating, baby snubbing, alto ego manual labor job, where everyone is simply put out by the idea of me being pregnant!
(even though I simply have not bucked any responsibility)

I am sure that today will end peacefully. Mr.J had a deep chest cold. I am ready to curl up on the couch, or in our nest and watch the podcast from Mars Hill, as we missed last week while digging in the pond.

I am ready for quite. I am ready to slowly put our house back together, wash the bedding from 5 beds, and wipe the mud off all the surfaces.
I am ready to have Mr. Coughing Head feel better and snuggle me.

I believe that you are chosen PIF, and only because I know in my heart that you a gift from God, and that your life is His and not mine do I have peace.
Love Mom

PIF

2009-10-01T21:16:32Z

My good friend of many years came to visit. She is a midwife, and therefore for fun she brought along a fetal scope.
Tuesday and Wednesday she was unable to hear the placenta or the fetus.
I was late to work by the time she surrendered trying yesterday.
I am not sure how I feel about this.
I feel a little like I sanked.
I do not have a midwife, STILL!!
I am torn on an immediate ultrasound.

I am feeling out the next two days, and then I will breath, wake up and figure this out.
I am so very tired.
More than two weeks with less than 5 hours when my body wants closer to 9 is too much.
I slept today almost 11 hours, broken up by phone calls: mom, solicitors...

I know God is sovereign.
I do so wish I was on my way to a nap, not on my way to 9 hours of grocery with a freight load.

sleepy tired girl with lead in my belly

LIFE

2009-09-29T19:24:03Z

MIL came and stayed most of a week
FIL came and stayed most of five days
Eugene friends (3) came and stayed most of for days
(you know the four day three night's package from traveling)
Jennifer (canada mid-wife) three days two nights

I have borrow two beds, bought a third and all failed.

Pond is 1/4 done

We have eaten nearly $350 of food
I made 43 burgers this weekend. I can tell by the buns.
I had 48, we have 5 left.

We ate 10 pounds of breakfast potatoes

WE DRANK 10 POUNDS OF COFFEE!!!

I had my daily 8 ounces give or take a few sips
(some days i had less, some days i had a few more)

I have dirt on every surface of my home.
Some made me giggle, most will make my knees sore.

The two outside cats stayed in the yard the whole time.
I was delighted and surprised.

I tried to lift a yard waste can, that was way over filled, with dirt, so it did not look over filled, and i gave myself a hernia last night. what a total and complete bummer.
my belly still aches terribly in one spot.
I was so thankful that Jennifer was here.

Yeah. Life it is bigger.

a week in list form

2009-09-21T06:51:07Z

Before Friday
MUST:
~~drive for bed~~ Bought bed to only find out it leaks!!

Friday is great. My zip in Sammamish is 98074. The intersection is Sahalee Way NE and 37th Way NE. I usually meet people at the entrance of my development because it is like a maze. The development is Timberline.

~~Thanks,~~

~~Kim~~

~~425-260-5500~~

call matty
call richard
make lemonaide
bathroom
office bed
wash sheets
put away pet food
18:30 Joyce meet at home!!

~~wrap christmas for mom and dad schu~~ DID NOT HAPPEN
**order gas mask if coupon arrives in mail**
~~living room mirrors~~
~~wipe all tables~~
~~clean fridge face~~

rearrange under sink
plan out menu

cook:
enchiladas
pico sauce
tomatillos
Q
COSTCO
water house plants
towels

guest:
bed linens
slippers
lay out sheets and towels
find all soap and supplies

Ikea bedding

THIS WEEKEND WAS OUT OF CONTROL
WOW.

Bats, Bones and Martinies

2009-09-20T06:28:36Z

We went peeking around Target at Northgate. The Halloween section still was coming in but a goth beat us there and bought all the basic web and skull items that did not state that they were Halloween. We saw lots of tags, and shirts in tiny sizes but all the others were gone.
Maybe we will drive to Monroe this week? Most likely not with all the company.
We bought a couple of baby hats, a pair of tiny socks, and a hoodie for sometime near the 12 months time. Lots of tiny skulls and stripes.
The sock department was a total bomb, pish... that is okay, I already have some new bone socks from Vancouver a few weeks back.
We picked up Jolly Rodger Cup cake wrappers, Skull Straws, a few spider bags, and Martini (finger bone) Candy Stirs.
Fun.
I have spent an hour googling the Target Spider Tights and other things like their awake Halloween Tees as sometimes Amazon has them...
Not this year. There were plenty of repeats. I wonder if it is because of this big recession?
I use to see great things, metal bowls, big pieces that you could add to the house, and now, nothing.
Hum??
At the end of the season, we'll double check the paper goods, but Target wanted more than double the cost on some of the paper products than the party store for basic black.
Target.Com has an interesting pair of serving hands, but they were not available at the store, and we are not ordering enough this year to make shipping worth the bill.

P.S. No Bat items. None. Who is making this stuff???

I should be sleeping.

2009-09-18T18:54:43Z

Rant: My work shirts button like this. Collar, first button, and then not even close, further from happening, impossible, no chance, and then right under the breasts, just dandy, button 5, six, and seven. Do they make maternity shirts that have fuller tops without having to fold the bottom part back on itself to tuck it all into my pants? I have resorted to wearing full 1970's scarves across the top of my bust to cover what is not covered by my apron.

I am tired. I volunteered this morning.
I should be all wired and revved up. That was my goal.

TODAY I MUST:
~~make and eat breakfast~~
wrap christmas for mom and dad schu
~~weed the front planters~~
clean the bathrooms
toilets, ~~tubs~~, sinks, floors, ~~dust~~

wash the stairs and living room floors
water front yard yeah rain!!
**order gas mask if coupon arrives in mail (didn't come)**
pick up bills
clip and put away socks
put away hair bones
hang robe
put shoes away out of entry
~~shank rug~~
~~put cat bed away~~
~~move speakers~~

~~clear off living room services~~
living room mirrors
wipe all tables
clean fridge face
~~unstack dump in kitchen~~

lay out sheets and towels for next week
find all ~~soap~~ and supplies
rearrange under sink
plan out menu
~~make appointment for wa~~

cook:
enchiladas
pico sauce
cook chicken
cook and clean bones

~~shop: TJ for breakfast~~
~~Eggs~~
Sausage
flowers for M&M
tomatillos

~~produce melon and grapes~~

return OJ
return cheese and butter

water house plants
hang clothes away
move closet racks
~~put away clean aprons~~
~~iron place mats~~

~~lay out Target shirts and find reciept~~
count bras, inventory for new needs

laundry: ~~bras~~ soaking
~~mr. j T-s~~
~~my panties& hung~~ yeah, there is whole load, like 60 pairs, cuz I have a lazy going on!
my hose
~~work clothes~~
towels
(i am tired of laundry)

~~put away dishwasher~~
~~wash counters~~

call Maria
Call Alex
call work about pay check issues
call Amy
guest:
bed linens
slippers
bed spray
water container
window fan
flowers
clear off table

~~cup of tea break~~
alas polish toes

~~crock pot,. and bras and water to start! GO!!!~~

Kitty mail

2009-09-17T18:29:43Z

Subject: Xoxo
Thursday, September 17, 2009 10:09 AM
From: "Justin"
To: "Kate"
I am so happy with us to have grown as much as we have.

Thank you for being my wife and love. These are the days we will look back on and think about how much stronger we are because of them.

Xoxo

PIF and Bogo

2009-09-14T19:15:47Z

Called for an appointment for a new midwife interview this coming Thursday.
I am little disappointed as the lady on the phone chuckled at me when I asked for Suzie Meyers,
as I guess she was great but does not do deliveries any longer.
The Midwives are LPN, not Registered Nurse Midwives, and I am not sure how safe I feel that to be.
I do not have a lot of wiggle room for risk taking in this.
So different from my regular life.
I am glad that I am just coming along.
I am tired of asking the same questions.
I am tired of hunting.
I really hope that these are the right women for me.
(for us)
Love Mom